January 3rd – Dancing Trucks and Wine

1999: Mummy awoke to me tap dancing on her bedroom floor (currently void of carpet so it makes a truly authentic noise).  Honestly performers get paid mega bucks for doing this and appreciation shown in standing ovations.  You would think mum would be grateful to get this for free without having to even travel anywhere!  Some people are so ungrateful.  Uncle Terry bought me a blow up Teletubbies tent for Christmas, which, unfortunately for mummy I want put up every day.  Still it only takes 15 minutes to pump up by hand.  Only problem is (apart from Mummy being Knackered and unable to play for the rest of the day) the pump nozzle is too big and has stretched the hole so the stopper now doesn’t fit.  Hopefully a Winnie the Poo plaster will fix it!  Talking of poo – Mum I need one.  I actually did it on the toilet today – usually I tell mummy when it’s in the leg of my pyjama’s or trousers. Well bless her; I guess she deserves a break every now and again.  Afterwards I got dressed and then I played with my new, big truck (a Christmas pressie from Mummy’s friend Dev).  Once Mum was dressed she started down the stairs and said “come on Jack you’re going to Daddy’s today”.  I said “truck” and she said I could bring it down and take it with me.  This conversation was repeated 4 times, with me staying static, before mum realised that what I was actually saying was “stuck”.  My sock was caught on the bare gripper of her bedroom.  I eventually got off to Daddy’s – minus gripper and had a lovely day.  When I got home mummy and I had fizz.  I had straight lemonade and mummy had wine with hers.  We were sat watching T.V., my drink was so tasty I gulped it down before mum realised that I was actually drinking hers! Mmm.  That was nice.  Should sleep well tonight.

2019:

Still playing with trucks – have one parked outside full of loft insulation waiting for me to get back into after the festive hols. Meanwhile, just to keep me amused, I’m driving lots of different vehicles on X-box as I am now legally old enough to play GTA and too old to be restricted and grounded so now mums the one who’s stuck! (and so were the conservatory doors tonight when mum somehow accidentally managed to perfectly line up a box lid to prevent the slide – she couldn’t have done it if she’d actually tried!) Check out ditzydotcom

2nd January – Food Glorious Food

1999: Thud. Thud. Thud.  Awoke to footsteps on the floorboards at 6.15 a.m.  Some people are so inconsiderate, don’t they realise I had a late night?  On further investigation they turned out to be mine, as I found myself on automatic pilot to mummy’s room and bed, whereupon we snuggled back down until 8.00.  Just as we were about to get up we heard a downpour.  It was the first time mum has ever been glad to see rain as it meant she got an extra 5 minutes in bed whilst I watched the rain from her bedroom window.  Mum reckons I’m a bit whiney today and says that it’s not the best of days to be like this as she’s quit smoking.  What that’s got to do with anything I don’t know.  Anyway if anyone’s being moody and miserable today it’s her, not me.  Women!  We went over the town and I wanted a bacon roll from the burger van.  Mummy only ordered one and told the man that I would only have a bite and that she would have to eat the rest.  He said that one day I would call her bluff and eat it all.  What a marvellous idea (don’t know why I didn’t think of it before).  So 10 minutes later we were back at the burger van ordering mummy’s bacon roll.  That will teach her to be so presumptuous.  We went to see Aunty  ‘Eesa’ and I played with ‘Dandell’ and ‘Dessica’ for a while.  We left at 2.30, which I think was way too early, now all I have to look forwards to is a boring afternoon of mummy.  So I fell asleep in the car and continued to sleep through the transfer to the settee and finally decided to wake up to mum’s prompts just in time for tea.  Well – I had to give in, it was Yorkshire Pud’s.  I finished my Yorkshires and hadn’t even started the rest, when I spotted the Jelly Babies.  I pushed the rest of my dinner away opting for the sweets.  Unfortunately mum had other ideas.  My dinner is now in the bin and the Jelly Babies remain, untouched, in the pot.  She’s not completely mean though; I did get a mince pie.  Another day of well balanced diet – sugar and fat – great if you’re nearly two, not so great if the Health Visitor finds out.

2019:

Mum popped into Lidl to get a few bits but ended up filling the trolley so much she had to ring me to go and meet her .  I had to jump in the car and go help with the packing and loading and I then came home and cooked dinner using some of my new Christmas cookware. I still love my sweets and mince pies but love to whip up different culinary concoctions with herbs and spices. Have discovered I have to hold back a bit on the latter though as it effects my Chron’s – although I’ve been a lot better since surgery last year. I love to cook and eat when I can and it’s better than having to keep fanning the smoke detector when mum cooks (plus I don’t have to wash up!)

1st January

THEN:

Happy New year, and what a way to start it.  First bum change of the year occurred at 12.25 a.m. when Mummy discovered that my nappy was rather full.  Well at least she didn’t disturb me.  Nor did I bat an eyelid at midnight when she came to wish me a happy new year – I just kept on snoozing.  Well what does she expect, I’m a kid after all, and it’s just like any other old night to me.  She should be thankful.  She won’t be so happy in years to come when I roll in drunk and slur “Happy New Year” with my head down the toilet!  This morning mummy just wanted to carry on sleeping.  After 5 minutes of me lifting up her eyelids and saying “hello”, putting my finger up her nose and pulling back the covers shouting “up”, she gave in.  My Mummy is such a lazy bones and she takes forever to wake up, but we get there in the end (with a bit of persistence). I walked all through the mud getting to the car and once settled inside, tapped the bottom of my trainers and got mud all over my hands.  Mummy said, “Don’t do that.  Are you mad?”  I simply looked at her and replied “yes”.  Well what chance do I have living with her? I spent the day with Nanny and Grandpa (Pa) and my Great Granddad (Bomper) came round too.  Pa has made me my very own wooden footstool to help me reach the toilet and taps and I have taken it everywhere with me today.  My new phrase is “in a minute”.  I’m only repeating what all these big people keep saying.

NOW:

Last night was the expected drunken mess in Norwich with my girlfriend Zofia getting home at 11.00am this morning.  No vomiting or slurring as predicted 20 years ago but I did have some sleep between partying and coming home but very tired. Opted to spend the day in bed whilst mum and my step dad Mark went to Nanny and Pa’s for lunch. Still, I faired better than Mark who’s drunken exploits led him to face plant the road and he is now sporting a very swollen, grazed and bruised forehead and nose. See – its still the blooming grown ups causing all the issues!

OH – and there is NO WAY I will walk though mud for anyone in my trainers nowadays or allow anyone to eat, drink, muddy or mess up MY CAR! I still save all that for mums.

 

 

 

In The Beginning and As It Is Now

INTRODUCTION 

Hi!  My names Jack C.A.  Born 21st January 1997.  My Mum and Dad separated just before my first birthday and I live at home with Mum.  She works full time and so I do most of my growing up at the child minders – four and a half days to be precise – affectionately known as “Edon”.  I spend half a day with my Nan and the weekends, mornings and evenings with Mum.  My Mum and mornings just do not go, she is the worst person in the world for getting up and when she eventually does it’s usually rush, rush, rush, nag, nag, nag – like it’s my fault we’re late!  Breakfast usually consists of some strange concoction of yoghurts, bananas, marmite sarnies ………. not so much for the convenience factor but more because I just don’t find cereal very appealing.

Mum has a younger brother – Uncle Terry, he’s a comedian but I do my best to upstage him.  He’s 6 years younger than Mum and she reckons I’m the dead spit of him as a kid.  In fact, she often looks to the skies and asks what she did to deserve him twice in one lifetime. Charming!

Mum and I go out and about from time to time with friends or receive visitors at home.  Amongst these are Bim (who was actually there when I was born – very mucky business apparently), Eesa and her bundles of joy Dandell and Dessica, Karen and A’gal. Dev is a male version of the visitor species whom Mummy met when he was laying her carpets last year and I really, really like him as he has a wicked motor bike.

The thing is it’s now 1999 and I’m apparently about to enter my “terrible two’s.”  Well at least it’s only for a year – adults are just terrible full stop.  Adults! Huh.  Those moaney, whingey, whiney creatures who have the cheek to constantly condemn our behaviour without even trying to understand us.  So I thought it about time that one of us toddlers hit back and tell it our way.    

 

THE WAY IT REALLY IS – THEN AND NOW!